


Karkat Vantas and the Embarrassing Emission

by traceExcalibur



Series: Generic Post-SBURB Everyone Lives Together AU [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Wet Dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-13
Updated: 2011-10-13
Packaged: 2017-10-24 13:53:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/264191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traceExcalibur/pseuds/traceExcalibur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat Vantas wakes up from a sexy dream with a messy red stain in his pants, and his attempt to clean up the mess is interrupted by the worst possible intruder...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Karkat Vantas and the Embarrassing Emission

Karkat Vantas awoke abruptly from one of the oddest dreams he could remember having. It wasn’t the nightmare he was used to, nor was it bad in the slightest – rather, it had been a very enjoyable dream. His past and future selves, inexplicably absolved from the hatred he usually felt towards them, and equally inexplicably naked, were in a room with Jade’s past and future selves, who were also naked. Needless to say the four of them made like hop-mammals – er, rabbits, to use the human term – and the dream was soon filled with the pungent aroma of lovemaking.

He woke up all too soon, and he suspected the reason behind it was the sticky red stain slowly spreading through his boxers and threatening to drip down onto the bedsheets.

…fuck.

After letting loose a string of expletives and throwing his covers aside, he vaulted out of bed – curse these human slumber contraptions and their lack of jizz-concealing slime – and inspected the damages. He couldn’t believe his stupid body had had the audacity to cream itself during a dream. Clearly, his self-hatred had chosen to manifest itself in the form of an embarrassing nocturnal emission, the likes of which could permanently damage his reputation if discovered. He was left with no choice but to sneak down to the laundry room and clean his boxers without being spotted.

The first obstacle in his way was the door to Nepeta’s room, which was annoyingly close to his. She was an incredibly light sleeper; more than once, he found himself waking up in the middle of the night with a growling stomach only to be accosted by Nepeta as he made his way back from the kitchen with a half-eaten snickerdoodle and a glass of orange juice in his hands.

Her door was open by a crack and he could hear the soft mewling of her snores coming from within the room. He tiptoed past the door as silently as he could manage, straining to withhold the urge to curse as the stickiness in his boxers began to trail down his leg.

Once he reached the end of the hallway without hearing any indication that Nepeta was awake and alert, he was able to breathe easy. His journey was still far from complete, though – he next had to cling to the wall and slip down the staircase without stepping on the creaky step. The last thing he needed was to wake everyone up, or to fall down the stairs and trigger a week’s worth of shitty SBaHJ-themed jokes aimed in his direction.

The staircase was no match for his amazing ninja-like reflexes – eat your heart out, Bro Strider – and he was able to make it to the basement laundry room without any more fuss. He flipped on the light and after the squinty shock of adjusting to the new brightness had subsided, he was able to locate the washing machine. He realized to some chagrin that he had not brought a change of clothes, and taking off his boxers would render him naked. Oh well. Who the fuck would walk into the laundry room at this time of night, anyways?

Dave Strider would, apparently.

He entered the room with a flat, “hey is someone in here” and stopped dead at the sight of Karkat, naked and clutching his red-stained boxers, in the process of depositing them into the washing machine. Time slowed to an agonizing crawl as Dave raised a single eyebrow up above his shades and planted it firmly on his forehead. In a desperate plea to salvage what little dignity he had, Karkat had no choice but to pretend everything was hunky-dory as he returned to the washing machine, set all of the little knobs and dials to the right settings, and turned it on. He hoped against all hope that Dave would say nothing and leave.

He should’ve known not to trust his future to a word that was associated with Eridan Ampora.

“let me guess thats not cherry koolaid but youre going to pretend it is”

“SHUT UP, STRIDER. WHAT MATERIAL I DEPOSIT INTO MY OWN UNDERGARMENTS IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, OK?”

“whatever you say dude”

For one glorious moment it looked as though Dave was going to just leave and pretend it had never happened, but then he stopped at the door and spoke again.

“so who were you thinking about while you were punching the munchkin”

“WHAT.”

“while you were masturbating”

“LET US AGAIN CONSULT YOUR BUSINESS, MR. STRIDER. THIS IS NOT IT.”

He flushed red as he spoke, trying to make it look like he was concentrating on the washing machine and not the fact that he was naked and there was still genetic fluid dripping down his legs.

“just do us all a favor and use a bucket the next time youre  thinking about jade so none of us have to walk in on this again”

“WAIT, HOW DID YOU KNOW I—“

The slightest, most unnoticeable of smirks played out across Dave’s face as he strolled out of the room.

“FUCK.”

Karkat was left alone to the chugging sound of the washing machine and the mounting rage that was slowly flooding his veins.

***

Dave arrived at the breakfast table the next morning with a glass of apple juice in one hand and toast in his mouth. He was greeted by an icy cold stare from Karkat. He could practically hear the thought, “SAY ONE WORD ABOUT LAST NIGHT AND I WILL SHOVE MY HAND UP YOUR ANUS, GRAB HOLD OF YOUR BONE BULGE, AND PULL IT INSIDE OUT.” drilling into his mind, transmitted via pure rage. The angry glares continued all throughout breakfast, as if Karkat believed he could somehow make Dave uncomfortable, or keep him from sharing the news about the sour cherry apeshit apocalypse in Karkat’s boxers.

Dave had no intention of telling the others about the events of the previous night – at least, not right now – and spent the entire morning struggling to avoid cracking a smile or outright bursting into laughter. Karkat didn’t seem to realize it, but he looked a lot funnier than he did scary whenever he was mad, and nobody had the heart to tell him. They were probably too busy giggling.

He did, however, decide to tell Jade about his midnight rendezvous with the Knight of Certain Red Fluids That Are Not Blood And Far More Embarrassing. Hopefully she would be grossed out by the news, and the awkward sexual tension between her and Karkat would make for an amusing sight for the next few days. They had been through worse, so it’s not like he would tear their relationship apart forever, right?

Oh, well. Bro had taught him to do whatever he thought would be coolest at any given moment, and not give a damn about other people’s feelings. It was time to put the plan into action.

It didn’t take long to find Jade and relay the news.

“yo jade i just thought you should know karkat confessed to thinking of you when he was punching the munchkin last night”

“when he was what???? do you mean he was masturbating and thinking about me? :o”

“yeah, i know its creepy so—“

Jade interrupted him by clapping her hands together repeatedly and bouncing up and down.

“oh my gosh!!!! that is so sweet <3”

“wh—“

“he thinks im worth masturbating to!! :D thanks for telling me dave i should go see him right away!!”

She dashed up to Dave and planted a kiss on his cheek before running off and leaving him in stunned silence.

 _“smooth moves, dave.”_ whispered an oddly John-like voice in his head. Real nice job, Strider. A backfire like that, which, in retrospect, should have been expected, was decidedly uncool.  A qualified coolness disaster, in fact.

He was interrupted from his sullen thoughts by the telltale sound of cackling. Sure enough, Terezi burst around the corner a moment later, clutching some sort of fabric tightly in her hands.

“D4V3 D4V3 GU3SS WH4T?”

“what” he said, noting that the object she was holding seemed to be red.

“1 L3FT MY BOR1NG OLD WH1TE BR4 4ND P4NT13S 1N TH3 W4SH1NG M4CH1N3 BY M1ST4K3 L4ST N1GHT, 4ND WH3N 1 TOOK TH3M OUT TH1S MORN1NG TH3Y W3R3 DY3D 4 D3L1C1OUS W1LD CH3RRY COLOR! 1 WOND3R HOW TH4T H4PP3N3D?”

She held up the newly dyed panties, invading Dave’s personal bubble as she did so. He recoiled sharply.

“oh hell tz”

“WH4T?”

“…you see, last night karkat was punching the munchkin…”


End file.
